It’s very sexy these days to talk about setting boundaries. We love taking to social media to share the ways we’re setting those boundaries, protecting that peace, and holding firm to what we say. These are good conversations, important conversations. So many of us grew up believing that boundaries were selfish or unkind. In light of that, we need to see examples of other people setting healthy boundaries so we can learn how to do it, too.
It’s good to successfully set boundaries.
But what about when we’re on the other side of the boundaries? What about when someone else sets a boundary with us?
Can we receive those boundaries with grace and understanding? Do we know how to stay in harmony with others after they’ve set their boundaries? Can we respect the boundaries without becoming resentful, demanding, or punitive?
Setting boundaries takes a little hubris and a lot of courage. Receiving boundaries, on the other hand, requires humility. It asks us to swallow our egos and prioritize the stated needs of someone else. That can be hard, and it often brings up some really uncomfortable feelings. However, if we want to maintain good relationships with the people who matter to us, knowing how to receive boundaries in a healthy way is just as important as knowing how to set them.
Boundaries come in many forms. Sometimes, the person setting the boundary wishes to go no contact. Other times, he or she just wants some aspect of the relationship to change. Perhaps they feel you’ve grown apart and are no longer as compatible as you were before, so they’d like to spend less time with you. Or perhaps they want a more casual relationship—one that looks more like sending funny memes back and forth than engaging in intimate conversations. Whatever the boundary is, it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay in the relationship according to the new dynamic. If you decide you do, you have to find a way to navigate that boundary with grace.
I recently asked my audience on social media to share some ways they positively respond to boundaries that others set with them. Although all the answers were unique, they all had a few characteristics in common. All of them:
- validated the feelings of the person setting the boundary
- acknowledged their respect for the person’s decision
- shared their genuine feelings about how the boundary affects them, and
- expressed a hope that one day the boundary could be removed
Here are a few examples that I found particularly well-worded:
I’ll admit I’m disappointed because I really enjoy our time, but I understand. If this is what you need right now, I can totally respect that. I appreciate you being honest with me.”
Are you willing to share more with me about why you’re setting this boundary? I love and respect you and want you to feel okay about setting boundaries with me, knowing I’m not going to be defensive but, instead, curious.
I’m sorry I’ve made you feel this way. I hear you and respect your boundary. Thank you for trusting me with this.
I feel sad about this, but I respect your boundary. I hope eventually we can move toward a different outcome or return to the way things were. If not, I’ll be open to coming up with other solutions if you are.”
These examples demonstrate how to accept the boundary in a way that keeps the door open. They show that you are a safe person who cares for other people’s well-being and respects their needs even if you don’t like or understand them. Perhaps, with time, the boundary may come back down. Or, maybe not. Either way, receiving boundaries with openness, honesty, and empathy props the door open instead of slamming it tightly shut.
If we want to be seen by our loved ones as safe and respectful people, we need to do our best to embrace other people’s boundaries with grace. This is how we love others, and allow them to love us, in ways that protect everyone’s well-being.
Amber Wardell is a doctor of psychology and author who speaks on women’s issues related to marriage, motherhood, and mental health. Subscribe to the free newsletter to get exclusive content delivered to your inbox and to never miss an upload.
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