Sex is an uncomfortable topic for many couples. Not only were many of us indoctrinated into religious beliefs that brought shame around the concept of sex, but most of us have also endured relationships that ruined what was otherwise a healthy attitude toward sex.
My marriage was no different. In fact, our issues around sex were probably the biggest contributor to our eventual separation. Sex had become a chore for me, and an insecurity for my husband. No longer wishing to stay in a marriage where sex was obligation, I left. While we were separated, I went to therapy to heal from some of the trauma that our marriage put on me around our sex life. My husband also went to therapy to explore why sex was such a debilitating need of his. He recognized quickly that it wasn’t about the sex — the momentary euphoria of reaching an orgasm. It was psychological, deeply engrained.
When we chose to reconcile our marriage, sex was one of the first things we had to get on the same page about. He had done the work to address the psychological issues behind his need for constant sex, and I had let go of a lot of pain that was born out of his sexual issues. Sitting down to communicate about what we both needed was hard. But with time, and a lot of dedication to seeing it through, we arrived at a system (maybe mindset is a better word) that works for us. We have finally stepped into the healthiest and most frequent (and satisfying!) sex life we’ve had in our entire marriage, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
In our latest podcast, we discuss how we did it. I’m sharing it here today, because I think there is utility in hearing my husband’s perspective along with mine. Wives, I encourage you to watch this with your husband, or send it to him. My hope is that our journey can help you and your spouse arrive at a healthy and fulfilling sex life, too.
Check out the video person of the podcast here, or find it on Apple Podcasts and all other podcast streaming platforms under the name The Sensible Sessions.
Amber Wardell is a doctor of psychology and author who speaks on women’s issues related to marriage, motherhood, and mental health. Subscribe to the free newsletter to get exclusive content delivered to your inbox and to never miss an upload.
