What’s that thing you’re working toward right now, that goal you are striving for? It is eating better, getting more exercise? Maybe it’s being more vulnerable, or maybe the opposite—being less naive and trusting? Perhaps there’s a big move in your career or hobbies that you are aiming for, hoping to reach that next rung on the ladder?
Whatever it is you’re chasing, I’d bet my life that you’ve had setbacks. Whether those setbacks came in the form of unforeseen circumstances that were outside your control, or personal choices that weren’t aligned with your goals, they all found a way to get between you and the future you were working toward.
For me, my current goal is to stop my nighttime binge-eating. This is a habit that began earlier this year when I was going through several stressful circumstances all at once. My father’s cancer came back for the third time, I was navigating the betrayal of a friend, was in the middle of moving, and was working on getting the final revisions to my book manuscript complete for my publisher. With all that going on, I turned to food as a source of comfort. Well, food and wine. Daytime was too busy for over-eating and drinking alcohol, so I relegated those activities to when I went to bed. What started as a midnight snack and a soothing glass of wine turned into two snacks, then three. And always a new glass of wine with each new trip to the pantry. Since my anxiety was at an all-time high, I was up many nights unable to sleep. What does one do when they can’t sleep? Well, eat high-fat, high-cholesterol, high-sugar treats that fill the belly but do nothing to fill the soul.
In recent months, I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I conquered my anxiety, released things I couldn’t control, and got back into my faith and spiritual practice. As I’ve restored my mental and emotional well-being, I’ve found myself being more disciplined about my evening treats. I’m doing really well, in fact! Most nights, I give myself a small dessert after dinner and a glass of wine, then drink water the rest of the evening. Since I’m not so constantly bloated from all that garbage I’d been eating, I’ve gotten back into my exercise routine, too. I’m losing weight, getting my resting heart rate to a better place, and getting my blood pressure back where it belongs. I feel fantastic!
However, the other night, after a particularly tough day with the kids, I allowed myself to return to my old ways. It was nothing like it was a few months ago, but it was a setback. I didn’t like that I went back to a behavior that is in such opposition to my goals.
But because I’ve done so much work on myself, I found that this time I didn’t feel defeated by my choices. I wasn’t coming down super hard on myself like I would have in the past. When I woke up the next morning, rather than scolding and hating myself for making bad choices, I simply acknowledged what I’d done without any judgment.
I approached my behavior with curiosity. I interrogated it, looking to understand what I could learn from it. What did this behavior tell me about where I am in relation to my goals? Instead of beating myself up for making a mistake, I used my behavior as a measuring stick:
Okay. I see that I’m making a lot of progress toward my goals, but now I also see that I am still vulnerable to making bad choices when I am overwhelmed. This is good information that I can now use to help me do better.
It’s been such a vital and necessary reframe. Being disappointed and frustrated in myself is defeating. It makes me feel hopeless and like nothing is within my control. Approaching my setbacks as opportunities to measure my progress makes me feel empowered. I may not always have the capacity to stay aligned with my goals every day. Life is hard with many demands, and sometimes I’ll only have the energy to do what’s easy and feels good. When that happens, I don’t have to judge myself. I can practice self-compassion. I can acknowledge that my body did what it felt it could do to help me in a difficult moment, even if it wasn’t “the right” thing according to my goals. I can accept that my life and choices are a training ground—a place for me to test out how well I’m doing on my path toward my goals and to make adjustments where necessary. That can be a morally neutral and judgement-free process.
Give yourself permission to reframe the setbacks. Practice curiosity, self-compassion, and patience with yourself as you work toward your goals, embracing the journey that takes you to the destination. So often, it is the journey where the real treasures are found—treasures like wisdom, experience, perspective, and growth. Take time to appreciate them, and try not to be so hard on yourself as you go.
Amber Wardell is a doctor of psychology and author who speaks on women’s issues related to marriage, motherhood, and mental health. Subscribe to the free newsletter to get exclusive content delivered to your inbox and to never miss an upload.
Pre-order her book Beyond Self-Care Potato Chips: Choosing Nourishing Self-Care in a Quick-Fix Culture, releasing October 29th, 2024.
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