Heads up. If you couldn’t tell from the title, this one’s going to be a little antagonistic. But honestly, some of y’all deserve it.
I have dedicated every single social platform I own to centering women’s issues. I talk predominantly about marriage, motherhood, and mental health, but I also branch out to just about any topic that affects women. I’ve recently become a contributor for Psychology Today where I run a blog called Compassionate Feminism: Centering Openness, Empathy, and Equity in the Feminist Conversation.
While my work centers women, I always ask men who love and respect us to join the conversation. I’ve had the pleasure of connecting with thousands of men who want to smash the patriarchy and build something better for us all.
That said, the duality of creating women-centered content online is that, while it does attract many incredible men, it also attracts the very worst: the sexist, misogynistic, ignorant, vile men who despise women and any form of media that shows concern for their needs and interests.
Daily, my social accounts, which tally over a million followers in total, are drowned in comments from such men. My punishment for daring to center women in my content is to have my intellect, my appearance, my qualifications, and my worth critiqued by men who I outmatch on basically every one of those axes. Not because there is anything particularly excellent about me (though I consider myself to be pretty remarkable, as we all should!), but because men who treat women this way are never the “high value” men they think they are. Any man whose ego is so fragile that he must spew hate at a woman for existing unapologetically is, by definition, not a high-value man.
But here’s the thing: I can take it. I’ve been doing this a long time. I learned years ago how to stop internalizing the cruelty these men so poisonously lob my way.
I don’t like these men, so I steer clear of them. I scroll past their posts when the algorithm fails to read the room and sends their content my way. I block fragile and childish men who try to interact on my page. For all intents and purposes, I am crafting an online experience that makes those men completely invisible to me.
Because I don’t like them.
So, my question for these men, naturally, is: why, if you hate us so much, do you spend so much time in our spaces?
If you despise women, prefer to ignore our needs and interests, and find us generally insufferable, have you considered leaving us alone?
Like, honestly, just fucking right off?
The answer, of course, is that they can’t.
Men like that need to control what they hate. It’s not enough to despise our existence—they must put us in our place.
This goes the same for:
Racists who obsessively leave hate on the pages of people of color.
Homophobes and transphobes stalking the comment sections of queer folks.
The criminally rich shitting on people who require food stamps to survive.
It’s not enough to hate. The point is to control.
And honestly, I wish these people would just let it go already. Those of us who are fighting axes of oppression that those folks will never dream of fighting are all done being bullied into silence. We’re sick of belligerent oafs feeling entitled to our spaces.
We’ve learned how to ignore you.
What’s stopping you from doing the same?
Amber Wardell is a doctor of psychology and author who speaks on women’s issues related to marriage, motherhood, and mental health. Subscribe to the free newsletter to get exclusive content delivered to your inbox and to never miss an upload.
Check out her blog called Compassionate Feminism on Psychology Today to join a feminist conversation centered in openness, empathy, and equity.